Emotional Labor and Male/Female roles in Marriage

Podcast Dear Sugars: “Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work(Most) Women Do” 

I don’t venture into the progressive left’s teachings often. Their buzz words are easy for me to knee-jerk away from. Phrases used in this podcast like “patriarchy”, “privilege”, and “hetero-normative” makes it easy for us without that worldview to dismiss. But as the oldest and longest married sibling in this group text, I felt a responsibility to respond and I made my best effort to digest the podcast. 

There were two main letters submitted by women that both talked about an unfairness and imbalance in invisible work or a term coined as emotional labor. This seemed to be defined as the mental work needed to run a household. Domestic labor was the term used as the physical work needed to run a household. So, picking up the kids from school is domestic labor, while knowing/planning when to pick up the kids from school is emotional labor. Got it. 

All agreed that women usually carry a much heavier load of emotional labor. They made lists and their list was always longer than their husbands. The first lady found this tiresome and heavy, “He’s a good guy but he doesn’t get it”. The second lady was angry and disillusioned with her life, “Marriage is just a way for men to do less” and “I will never let my daughter suffer this”. Throughout the podcast, the reasons for this unbalance were explained by the men being “conditioned” in our “patriarch society” to “do less”. The cure is to educate men of their shortcomings, tear down the gender stereotypes, and train women to expect men to do more. It is a “cultural problem” that we need to “unlearn”. The goal is for an equal 50/50 life, where both are fulfilled by meeting in the middle. Sounds great, a perfectly even and equal society! 

The following is simply my opinion and I mean no disrespect to those that disagree. 

I agree with the overall argument that we should be more aware of what the other does, both physically and emotionally. AnnLee absolutely carries most of the emotional labor in our house. I rely on her for that. And there have been many times where that has been too heavy and made her frustrated and I have not understood. We each need to be aware of the other. I cannot live in a selfish world where “I have to work all day and she gets to just sit at home”. Neither can she live in a selfish world, “I have all these hundreds of things I have to keep up with and all he has to do is go to work”. 

A couple of glaring inconsistencies emerged in this theory of 50/50 marriage however. One woman said when the roles were reversed, and she was working full time with her husband at home, she was angry that he asked her input on the grocery list. She said, “I need you to do 100%, I can’t be part of this”. So, when he is working, and she is at home, her expectation is that he meets her 50/50 in all the tasks and mental labor. But when she is working, and he is at home, her expectation is that he does 100% because she needs to focus on work?! 

Also, the working man’s mental labor is never mentioned in this podcast. How many things does he have going on in his mind? Deadlines, planning, schedules, employees, expectations, projects, calls from work during off hours, etc. If he were to make a list, wouldn’t his be longer as well? Does she ever take 50% of this load? Why are only her tasks and burdens the ones that should be divided up 50/50? 

Another flaw was when they admitted that same-sex couples develop the same patterns. So, if two women quickly fall into the same patterns of one doing most of the mental labor at home, how can the cause be a patriarchal society where men are conditioned to behave that way? Another admitted that her husband learned and took on more and more mental labor when he was the homemaker. Seems like a natural process the person who is the primary homemaker develops, rather than some systematic cultural patriarchy designed to make men’s life easier? 

But at the end of the podcast they hit on some big truth that I hope all will stop and consider. They made the statement that progressives/feminists seem to have a greater problem in this area than traditional/religious women. They say progressive women expect fairness and equality more and are frustrated when it doesn’t materialize. This is absolutely true! In fact, it is a well-documented trend over decades of surveys that religious/conservative women report higher rates of happiness than progressive/atheist women. Why is this? The male host made the outrageous statement that traditional women are actually entrapped and hopeless, they have “learned helplessness”. He quoted a couple of books that are supposed to argue this. How offensive and ridiculous. The bigotry of someone degrading and dismissing a group of women consisting of tens-of-millions of individuals because he personally can’t understand how they can be happy in an unequal role. Shame on anyone who believes that awful stereotype garbage. 

I invite all of you to consider a different perspective. First, please watch the below video. For those of you who are not religious, it will contain some buzz words that may cause you to knee-jerk away from and dismiss. Phrases like “God”, “Created”, “Sin”, and “Submit”. But I ask you try and understand the larger view and the different perspective presented. It is not perfect, and I don't agree with everything as presented, but it gives a good overview of the Biblical view of gender roles in marriage 

Video: Uniqueness - Biblical Perspective on Gender in Marriage 

The Biblical world view of marriage relationship accepts (no celebrates!) our gender differences. They are unique strengths given to us for a purpose. We should understand our roles and the proper relationship and expectations. Doing this allows us to not fall for the lie that life should be 50/50 and equal. Instead it shows us how we should attempt to give 100% and expect nothing because we understand how much was done for us by God. When each partner is trying to sacrifice everything and expect nothing, the result is each will build the other and happiness will increase. It is a strange paradox. 

This is best summarized in these verses, 
"Relationships, Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church-a love marked by giving, not getting.” Ephesians 5 (msg) 

So the man is created for the purpose of leading the family unit. His weakness is to be passive and give up that responsibility. Examples are laziness, unaccountable, over-spending on toys, excess hobbies, uncaring. The woman is created for the purpose of managing the family unit and maximizing each members potential (the helpmate). Her weakness is to covet the leadership role and manipulate her husband for control. Examples are overly critical, disrespectful, demanding that her desires come first. 

I believe that making lists and pursuing a fair and equal 50/50 marriage is a road to ruin and misery. I heard it in in the letters of the women writing into the podcast. They were so upset that life wasn’t working out the way “it was supposed to”. Who told them it was supposed to be equal?! It isn’t. Marriage is the most difficult thing I have ever done. When I fall into the list making and thinking about what I am not getting from Annlee, it always leads to misery. Only when I understand there is a God who is bigger than me, bigger than my desires, bigger than my marriage, and I submit to that power and authority, am I able to humble myself, and continue to serve my wife during difficult times. When she does the same, our marriage thrives. I love her and sacrifice all that I have in service of my wife. 

This is a summary of the two different world views as I see them. I am sorry if I mis-characterized the Progressive/secular side.

Biblical worldview	Progressive/secular worldview
Happiness results in understanding and living in your role under God and serving your spouse 100% / 100%	Happiness results from equality and fairness and justice 50% / 50%
Just as a Father instructs his child, we are instructed by God.  There are limits and guardrails in life.	We can be anything we want to be. We can do anything we want to do that makes us happy.
Male and Female are equal under God, but created with specific roles and strengths/weaknesses, especially in marriage	Male and Female are no different other than some biology.  They evolved the same, thus can be perfectly interchanged in roles and responsibilities
Men are purposely designed to Pursue/Protect/Provide Women are purposely designed to Invite/Nurture/Partner These general differences, while extremely varied, are fundamentally hardwired into who we are	Society teaches men and women to act the way they do.  If we could unlearn this unequal behavior it would not exist.  There are no fundamental differences between male and female
God provides Truth, we bear his image in unique ways	We each define our own truth and our own image
Two are united to make one before God	One individual and One individual makes two
It is not about me or what I want, it is about God and what he wants for me	There is no such thing as God.  It is about me figuring out how to be happy
The husband is under authority of God, the wife is under authority of the husband	The husband and wife have equal authority (or typically the wife has more)